Sunday, August 13, 2017

PF'n with my Babe. Valuable Lesson Learned.

Haven't blogged for a while. Thought I would tonight, just to sum up our PF week. I went by myself on Monday, Danny wasn't getting back from his trip until later that night. I am getting a little more comfortable going by myself, although I ultimately love when Danny goes with me. Tuesday was out because I had a hair appointment. So now we are at hump day, Wednesday. Hellish day at work, as usual, kind of tired, but not really. Had a headache, but could deal with it. Drove home to pick up Danny, took a 20 minute nap, Danny wasn't much in a PF mood and quite honestly neither was I. I just wanted to hang at home, Danny was grilling dinner that night, I didn't want to eat dinner at 8:00 pm again, so we decided not to go. We would go on Thursday. Well Thursday, my headache was worse, I had cramps, I was tired, so was Danny. We could have very easily said eff it, we'll go over the weekend, but we didn't. We arrived at PF and went upstairs to the machines the trainer said I should be using. First it was a struggle for the two of us to find our motivation, second there is A LOT of me and I am not a graceful contortionist and basically that's what I had to turn in to to use the ADDUCTION and ABDUCTION machines. I also used some crunch thing, but wasn't sure if I was doing it right. I noticed Danny working on a machine that looked like it was a whole lot of fun, kind of like a sit -n- spin from when I was a kid, except you didn't sit, you were on your knees. I did it, I tried it, it killed my knees. Again, there is too much of me to be kneeling on my knees, they hurt the rest of the night and next day. I had to go downstairs to finish my workout because upstairs didn't have all of the machines I use. At the end of our visit, Danny felt that he achieved a really good workout, me on the other hand, not so much. I didn't feel like I put my whole self into it, for the first time I didn't want to be at PF. Yes, I felt better when I left, maybe I felt guilt because I caved into my procrastination on Wednesday and didn't go. Maybe it was because I used new machines and wasn't exactly sure what I was doing... i don't know, something was off. We learned that when we have a day planned to go work out, we are going, not putting it off for the next day. From that little blip, I have realized how easily the old patterns, the old habits can come back. My babe and I went on Saturday. I did my normal work out, however, I started out on the treadmill. I walked on the treadmill for 5 minutes and 4 seconds. For most that is nothing, for me that is huge! I am very easily frustrated, frustrated because of my size and how everything hurts. I've come to realize that I have fallen into a Planet Fitness comfort zone. Future visits are being kicked up a notch. I left Saturday feeling like I achieved my regular work out. Danny is kicking some major ass and I am so proud of him!
Now if I would only be able to figure out why I have been having these horrible, doubling over period like cramps I'd be happy. Ibuprofen and tylenol don't even touch the pain. Today is day 3 of this nonsense and I'm just about fed up being in pain, walking hunched over and very gingerly. If the cramps continue, I'll be making a doctor's appointment.
I cannot wait for the day when my size no longer plays a role in my feeling crappy, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

I missed Planet Fitness

I/we haven't been to Planet Fitness in 2 weeks! 2 weeks! Reason - Getting ready for vacation and going on vacation. And guess what? I can tell! Oye! I feel like a slug, I don't feel like doing anything. The swelling has come back in my legs and feet... I also missed the feeling I feel when I leave Planet Fitness.
I don't like being this way. Being fat is hard. It is. It is harder to do things, energy levels are low. You just don't feel like you belong. Not only dealing with me as in me, the whole me, I'm dealing with me on the inside. The angry, I get so mad at myself self. The self that does not feel worthy of being. I don't belong. I get mad because I have been every size under the sun, how did I let myself go like this? Why did I do it? How can I change it?
First, I have to change my inside. My thinking, the way I feel about myself. I am me, I am beautiful no matter what size. I belong. I am someone. I am not all of those names that I was called growing up. I've been working on it. Second, I can help my outside and by doing that helps my inside.
I have no idea what size I am going to be in a year. I have no idea what number is going to appear on the scale. I have no idea of the number of pounds I want to lose. I'll know when I get there.
Danny and I do the live videos after our Planet Fitness trips. Pretty much Danny just goes along with me. Doesn't say much, but does it because it makes his mom happy. I've heard from so many that they love the videos! They love reading the blog too! 
The best part since I've begun this journey, I am being told that I am an inspiration to them! ME! An inspiration! That because of this journey, they've begun their own journey. I'm inspiring to them and they are so encouraging me. That's freakin' awesome!
It's a boring post tonight. I dreaded PF today, I contemplated taking another week off, just go back next week I kept telling myself. I've discovered that it is so much easier to fall into old habits... well those habits are being broken. 
My shoulders ache, my knees hurt, my arms and legs feel like jelly... was it worth it?
Yes, yes it was.
I can't wait until Thursday!

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

We're Back!

It's been a little while. Sometimes life happens whether you like it or not. We were away for 5 days over the 4th of July Holiday Weekend, no Planet Fitness... We went back to PF for one day last week, Wednesday. It was hard, seriously hard. Time away... eating, drinking, being lazy... Yep makes you not want to go the gym. Danny and I both felt A LOT better after wards and were planning on going back on Friday. Well he had to work and I had to have a root canal on Thursday. The root canal didn't go as planned and that left me in misery for the weekend. There was no way I was going to PF feeling the way that I was. I went to a specialist yesterday and she corrected my tooth pain. The excruciating pain is gone, but I am still experiencing some. I felt well enough to go to PF today.
Actually in all honesty, I began to miss Planet Fitness. I like it there. I like doing what I do. I met with a trainer and I'm not going to lie, I'm not following her plan, I'm doing my own thing. I'm not saying that I won't do what she would like, I'll do it eventually.
Danny and I went today. Although he said he would go, I don't think he really wanted to, but he did and that makes me proud. It was hard getting into it, but we did. I started off on the bike then headed over to the machines. I ended my routine by lifting some weights with my boy. SWEAT! I don't think I have ever sweat as much as I did today. It felt wonderful! After an hour and 15 minutes, I ended my PF visit in the Hydro Massage chair. Danny worked out for almost a full 1-1/2 hours! WOO HOO!!! That's my boy!

I made a promise to myself that this isn't how I'm going to be in a year. I don't ever want to be here again. This is hard, this life is hard. I made it hard for myself. Slowly I am learning to accept what is, but know that I have the power to change it. No one else, just me. There's a little light inside of me, my light and I am the one that has the power to make it shine

One thing that I have noticed since I started going to PF. I'm starving when I leave there. I can't wait to get home and eat dinner, BUT! the next couple of days, I have no appetite. I fill up easily, can't finish a (my) normal meal. Foods I used to like aren't appealing to me. Something is working! Something is working inside of me.

A few years ago this song came out. At that time I was currently in WW and struggling. I thought I had begun my climb, but I didn't. Now I know I have it. My Climb has begun and I have a long way to go, but I am sure going to get there! You just wait and see!  

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Lots of Hugs!!!!

Monday, June 26, 2017

One week and 5 days at Planet Fitness!

It's been one week since Danny and I have begun our Planet Fitness journey and today was our 5th visit! 
And today was the 2nd day in a row we went! 
I'm not going to lie, today was hard. Motivation was about nil. Same with Danny. Hard day at work for me, it sucked. Then a 30 minute drive home, only to turn around and leave again 30 minutes later with Danny to go back to where I just came from.
We worked out, I only did an hour and scheduled the Hydro Chair. Danny continued to work out on the Elliptical while I was enjoying my chair. Unfortunately since Danny goes as my guest, he isn't permitted to use the added extras.
Seriously this is what I had to tell myself today. Yay we went, but when we left, we didn't feel the all over good like previous times. Don't get me wrong, I felt better, but it just seemed like something was missing.
So tonight at dinner, I mentioned that if my day isn't too crappy tomorrow, I'm going to go to PF for an hour or so by myself. BY MYSELF! Pulling up my big girl panties and doing it on my own. That's a little scary. But I know I can do it and I'm going to prove to myself that I will do it.
I found out that the Ellipticals are different! The one with the wheel in the back is easier to use. Well, it's hard for me, BUT! I was able to do it for 2-1/2 minutes. I know all of these little times aren't that big of a deal for most, but they are to me and that's all that matters.

I just know that I don't want to be this way forever. I want to be a smaller me. I don't know how much smaller, but smaller. I want to feel good, I want aches and pains to go away. I want to be off of my meds. I hate myself like this. From that very first time Sharon Peters called me fat in first grade, to all of the family and friends of family that would say, "Oh you have such a pretty face." Really? I have a pretty face, but since the rest of me is huge, I don't count. Well the outside is just a shell and it really doesn't matter what the outside looks like, it's the inside that counts. But it all just hurts the same.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

An Awesome Sunday - PF Day 4

I can't believe it's Sunday evening! Where did the weekend go?
We spent the entire day yesterday at a graduation party. It was fun, it was nice seeing family. I'm not going to lie, I had a piece of cake and a couple of cookies. The only snicky-snack food out was Popcorn. My cousin rented a Popcorn Machine and it was awesome. And.... I didn't even drink a beer, not a single one. Homemade Peach Ice Tea was the drink for me.

This morning I woke up feeling kind of blah.... Danny woke up feeling kind of blah. Husband woke up a happy camper... In fact, that's where he went for the day, to camp. Just to get some things done. Danny and I remained lazy until 11:30. I got up out of the chair and put my work out clothes on. Danny did the same. We were on our way to Planet Fitness. We arrived a little before 12:30. I scheduled the Hydro chair for 1:45. Just to make myself work out for 1 hour and 15 minutes, then reward myself. I started off on a tread mill, Danny next to me on the Elliptical. Instead of trying to go for a distance, I went for minutes. I walked on the tread mill for 5 minutes and 30 seconds. Just a little warm up, my heart rate was up and I was sweating. It was 5 minutes more than yesterday and I was moving. I added a couple of new machines into my routine today. I also added longer reps and extra weight. Danny did too. He also added weight lifting into his program. I'm proud of him and I'm beginning to feel proud of me. Tomorrow will be one week since we've started going and today was our 4th visit. We are going back tomorrow and Wednesday. Then we're going to have a week long break, which worries me a bit. We'll be heading to the mountains. I'm just going to have to make myself move up there.

After each visit, Danny and I do a Live video on FB in the car. It's usually only a minute or two long. Our friends and family leave encouraging comments. My bff since childhood began her PF journey 2 years ago. I've literally watched her melt away. She inspires me. Well today Lisa left me a comment that after talking to me yesterday, watching our live videos and reading my blog posts, I had inspired her to go back after a month. That's awesome! I inspired my bff!

Yesterday as I was putting my shoes and socks on, I made a comment to Danny. Well I asked him a question, "Do you know what's harder than exercise?" He said no and I told him being fat. Being fat is harder than exercise. Being fat is with me 24 hours a day. Little things that are so easy for others are harder for me because I'm bigger. I'm going to work my way into making those little things easier, then start to work on the big things. One day at a time and when that gets to be too much to handle, I'm going down to 30 seconds at a time. Each little bit of movement, each little bit of sweat is a little bit more than the day before.

Danny and I ended our day by planting a couple of veggie plants and some flowers. He helped me tremendously today. He's not a little boy anymore and it's bittersweet. But I truly love the man he is becoming.

I realize that in the end I am doing this for me and cannot do it for anyone else. I am starting to love myself. Something I haven't done in such a long time.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Friday Afternoon Rain - PF Day 3

So it's Friday and it rained all day.
I woke up with a headache... while brushing my teeth I said to myself, "I don't want to go to Planet Fitness today."
I had a doctor's appointment at 1:15 for my shoulder, I had surgery in January. I had to leave the house today...
Danny and I left at 12:30 dressed in our Planet Fitness clothes.
Doctor's appointment went well. I'm officially released!!! Dr. E gave me a few tips on what to do and what not to do right now. He told me to make sure I tell the trainer when I meet with him/her on Wednesday about my surgery and they will take that into account when coming up with my fitness plan.
When pulling into the Planet Fitness parking lot, I mentioned to Danny that I really hope we do not see my bosses car. Danny told me that if we do, we can turn around and go home. I sighed and said, "No we can't." We got out of the car, pouring down rain and entered PF. As soon as we were inside, we were greeted by smiles and happy hello's. Today I decided I was going to try out the Hydro Massage Chair/Bed. I scheduled my chair time for an hour and 15 minutes after we got there.
Today we hit the bikes first... I adjusted the seat and started to pedal away. It didn't last long, only a 1/2 mile, but it was a 1/2 mile more than the day before. I will work more at the tread mill and bike. I will also try the Elliptical, but for right now I am completely happy working out on the machines, my upper and lower body. Anything is better than nothing. I enjoy it. I sweat. And guess what? I don't mind sweating in there! It's like its cool to sweat in Planet Fitness. Not cool to sweat at home.
The time went fast today. Danny brought up the fact that each time we've been there time has gone fast. At 3:15 I went over to the desk for my Hydro Chair Appointment.
OH EM GEE!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I died and went to heaven. It's a little warm where the chairs are. It's dim and it sounds like Ocean Waves. As soon as I was nice and comfy in the chair, I pressed the start button. 10 minutes of heaven! I didn't want it to end. And after those 10 minutes ended, way too soon, I made up my mind that my reward at Planet Fitness is the Hydro Chair after I work out. I will schedule my appointment anywhere between an hour and 15 minutes to 1-1/2 hours after being there. 
This isn't new news, but I really enjoy hanging out with my kid. He gets me. I get him. He talks to me, I talk to him. He opened up to me today. Told me how he wants to change, he doesn't want to be this way anymore. We talked about goals, small goals and long term goals. My long term goal, one year from now is to have 2 Kayaks. Danny loves to Kayak and I've always wanted to, but never have because of my size. My short term goals, to be able to cross my legs AND bend over to tie my shoes. Danny's short term goal is to see his belt buckle and find jeans that fit him a lot better. In the car afterwards, I told him that I really didn't want to go today, Danny said he had felt the same, but is so happy we did. We talked about how fast the time goes and how much better we both feel when we are done. We fist bumped and said we got this! 
It's going to be a long journey... there are going to be many bumps a long the way, but that's okay. We'll get there. I know it's only been our 3rd visit, but something tells me this time is different. We're doing it and we're doing it together. Just me and my boy... One Planet Fitness visit at a time.

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Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Sweating with my Kid at Planet Fitness - Day 2

I did it! We did it! Planet Fitness Day 2! Today we worked out for an hour and 15 minutes! That's 15 minutes more than Monday! 
I have to say that I am very proud of my boy, he worked out on some of the machines, then he rode the bike for 5 miles!!!, then went back to the machines! I'm so happy Danny is into it. It makes me feel good and I love having him there with me.
I just kind of wandered around trying this and that. And during the process, I worked up a sweat. I worked on a few machines, then I tried the recumbent bike... ummmm... well that didn't work so. I couldn't get comfortable and my lower left leg hurt when I tried to pedal. So, that's on the back burner for a while. I will conquer the bike! I WILL! I also ventured onto a tread mill. And well... I had visions in my head of how that was going to be, me failing miserably, falling face first and getting flung off the back. Well that's not exactly what happened, I didn't fly off the back. I'm not afraid to admit this (now), I was only able to walk a 1/2 mile on it. Disappointment was there, I held back my tears. I didn't tell my mom it was only a 1/2 mile and I didn't tell Danny... At that moment, I realized that if the Zombie Apocalypse happened I would be dead, instantly. I would tell my group just to go on and I would lie down in the middle of the road and well... you know the rest.
I went back over to the other side and worked on the machines more. My most favorite one at this moment is the leg press. I could do that for hours.
I managed to take a pic of me and Danny sweating together:
Little by little, we're going to move mountains together.
On the way to the car I did tell Danny my treadmill failure victory. He looked at me and said, "Mom, it's a 1/2 mile more than you did yesterday." Mom pauses for a brief moment, wonders how her 16 son has become so wise, realizes again what an amazing young man she has and says, "Thank you." with a smile.
We got in the car happy. In good moods! Happy with an hour and 15 minutes. We did it! And we're going to keep doing it. It's really hard to explain, but this exercise thing makes you feel kind of good. It kind of lifts your spirits. It kind of makes you want to go back and do it again.
We're looking forward to Friday afternoon! In fact, we can't wait!

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And as the clock is about to hit 9:00, Day 2 of Planet Fitness is in the books!

Monday, June 19, 2017

Planet Fitness - Day 1

Hi! It's been away since I've blogged on here... like 2 years ago and boy have I let myself go since then! 
I'm fat, unhappy, unhealthy and there is someone screaming inside of me that wants out.
I joined Planet Fitness! I've never stepped foot in a gym before!
I was scared, I was nervous. My son went with me as my Guest. 
We had fun! We can't wait to go again.
We tried out several machines. It was very crowded when we arrived. We wanted to work out together and it was hard finding 2 of the same machines side by side open. We did leg presses, worked our upper bodies and ending our one hour first visit with riding the bikes.
Was it easy? No. Was it hard? A little. Was it worth it? YES!
It didn't take me overnight to get this way and I'm not going to be able to fix myself overnight. Baby steps. Even if it is one step today, well that's one step more than I took yesterday.
I can't believe I'm posting this picture of myself. The first one I took didn't turn out, it was blurry so I had my son take this one after we got home. This is me. Non filtered, not hiding behind someone or doing the neck stretches to hide the double chin. The real me. Every month around this time I will post a new photo.

On my way across the parking lot, those feelings came back. The feelings of being picked last in gym class. Hearing the the harsh words of being called fat, beached whale, cow or being mooed at. The very first person that ever called me fat was Sharon Peters. I was in 1st grade, she was in 4th or 5th. My brother didn't ride the school bus with me anymore and she was ruthless. Every day from the time she got on the bus until the time she got off the bus... It just didn't happen with her. There were others too. My neighbor walked by on the road a few years ago while I was working in my flower bed and mooed. My boss made comments. I know those are only words and they do not make up who I am, but once you hear them over and over again you really start to believe them.
I opened the door to Planet Fitness and walked inside. The girl remembered me from last week, I was greeted with a huge smile and a big hello. I started to feel a little better. Danny and I made our  way around the place figuring out where to start. There were people there of all shapes and sizes. No one was LOOKING or STARING at me. No one was smirking. People smiled, some said hello. But not one negative word.

I've talked about joining and one single sentence from my husband last week made up my mind.
"I want to be able to take walks with you before I get too old."

This is me all sweaty and an hour later. I had fun and I can't wait to go back!
I'm looking forward to it!
I can't believe I actually wrote that!