Hello..... Are you all still with me? Sorry that my blog posts have been extremely dull and boring. I just seem to be in a little funk.
How was every one's day today? Mine was long and boring. We had absolutely no orders at work. None. That meant for a very long day me trying to find fill in tasks to help the time go by. And of course those fill in tasks do not require much thinking... so that allowed me to go off and think about a lot of deep rooted issues.
I know there is no quick fix for being fat. There is no magic wand nor potion that can be waved or swallowed that can make this go away. I am not happy with myself. I don't like being this way. Why am I like this? I thought back on my life today, starting at a very early age. I can remember family members saying how much I looked like my Grandma. My grandma wasn't small, but she wasn't huge like me. Is that why I am this way? I think when you are told something over and over again, you become it. You believe it and you can't change. I remember being tormented on the school bus at age 6. (It started at 6 because my big brother was no longer on the elementary bus.) I was fine when I would get picked up at the bottom of the drive way. But as soon as the bus made that right hand turn onto Dultilh Road, my heart would begin to race. For 2 years I had to endure Sharon Peters and her bullying. I was continually called "Sea Cow, Sea Whale, Sea Horse." On days that I wore dresses she would say to me, "Your legs are so fat, I can't believe you wear dresses." And the other days, I was just called fat, fatty or fatso. The comments just didn't come from her, they came from others too. Then there was the one day in 5th grade. I'll never forget where I was in the classroom, our teacher was talking to us about our favorite subjects and when it was our turn, we could say what our favorite subject was and why. Well my bff was before me, she told her favorite subject and it was my turn. I didn't get to speak, Mr. Federkeil (our teacher) spoke up and said, "Sharon's favorite subject is lunch. We all know that's her favorite subject." The whole entire class busted out laughing except for my bff. Years and years this would happen. When I moved in with Dan, I made flower beds on each side of the driveway, I took pride in those flowers and faithfully every night weeded and watered. Until the neighbor's asshole grown son was taking a walk and moo'd like a cow each time he walked by. I even got it from my boss a couple of years ago when the summer Olympics were going on. He suggested that because of my size I should take up weight lifting because one of the female heavy lifters and I were quite similar. "You and her are the same size. You would be perfect for it." He even went as far as walking by my desk carrying a no parking sign telling me that I could use it to practice with. So many times I would be told that I had such a pretty face, but it always sounded so pitiful. I knew the next sentence they weren't saying, "You have such a pretty face, but look at the rest of you."
Does all of this play a part in how I am? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. Years of hearing it, I guess you just start living it. Should I go to therapy? I dunno. I've always thought that if I could meet Richard Simmons I wouldn't be like this anymore.
Did I want to exercise today? No, not really. Did I? Yes I did. Today was one of my messed up days. Had to stop at the grocery store after work. Those Little Debbie snack cakes near the register looked really good and I could feel myself being drawn to them, no, I did not. I didn't buy them. Home for a little bit, I did a 27 minute workout. I enjoyed it, but I didn't break a sweat. It was a new one, so now I know I can do that one in addition to something else. Then I left to pick Danny up at school, home by 5:15, dinner started. While dinner was cooking I did a 4 minute Zumba dance, then back into the kitchen. We ate, I cleaned up and vegged. Tomorrow will be a normal day. Well, I know I'm going to have to stop at WalMart, which I dread. Danny needs something. I already know what we are having for dinner, so I'm one step ahead. Tomorrow I will put a little more effort into my moving. I want to make my sweat cry.
For dinner tonight, we had sausage hero sandwiches. The recipe called for turkey sausage, Uncle Charley's regular sweet Italian was on sale. It had 32% less fat than regular sausage. I compared the fat content on both, and they were the same, 10 grams. I bought the Uncle Charley's. The recipe came from my WW Cook It Quick Cookbook. I have the pics posted below.
I apologize for how long this post is. I didn't mean to go on and on. Just a lot running through my mind. Trying to figure out how I am going to get this to click in my head. How I am going to make myself a smaller, healthier me.
This is my blog, my words, my thoughts, my feelings.
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